Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1
by JakeandAmir4Ever
Summary: This is my story of Red vs Blue after Reconstruction. It will be a series of one shots following the Red and Blue soldiers in their new canyon, Valhalla.
1. Chapter 1

For those of you that have never watched a single Red vs Blue video (even though that sounds impossible), then I suggest that you go and watch every single video that they have ever made, not just for reference in this fanfiction but because it is an awesome show.

Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1

Chapter 1: Prologue

After the events of the Freelancer Command invasion the Reds and Blues from Blood Gulch were commended for bringing Project Freelancer to justice. Each of the soldiers were given promotions. Sarge was promoted from Sergeant to Lieutenant (but is still called Sarge by everyone else). Simmons was promoted from Private First Class to Corporal. Grif was promoted from Minor Junior Private Negative First Class to just a Private. After Donut was sent to Valhalla to rejoin his squad, he was promoted from Private to Private First Class. Lopez was also sent to Valhalla, but being a cyborg he does not have a rank and is not affiliated with the military (although Sarge still considers him a higher rank then Grif). These soldiers then settled at the beach side base. The Blues settled at the cliffside base and were also given promotions. Church was promoted from Private to Captain. Tucker (and Junior) after also rejoining his squad was promoted from Private to Corporal. Tex who also reappeared became a permanent part of the Blue Team was given the rank of Lieutenant. Washington was supposed to be sent to jail after infiltrating Freelancer Command, instead also became a permanent part of the Blue Team and was given the rank of Private (they thought this was a better punishment). Sister(real name Amanda) also rejoined everyone in Valhalla but was not promoted from Private. Caboose also didn't get a promotion for tampering with evidence and still remains a Private. Doc had also come there and was living with the Reds because Blue base is crowded. Sheila was taken from the ship and was implanted into a new tank. Church and Tex were given artificial bodies and now look human, even though they're still dead. Church and Tex had also started dating again, along with Doc and Sister (Grif is not happy). Since Project Freelancer is now over there is no more Red and Blue teams. Red and Blue squads now go on missions occasionally but no longer fight each other. The Red and Blue teams in Valhalla just hang out at their bases most of the time but sometimes are sent on missions. Twelve people that can barely tolerate each other stuck in a canyon together, what could go wrong?

Note: Church and Tex are dead instead of AIs.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Red vs Blue or Halo.**

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><p>Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1<p>

Chapter 2: Red Team

Donut woke up to the sound of his radio alarm clock. He gave a slight "ugh" and turned it off. He then sat up and looked around the room.

The room was shared with Grif and as a result the side of the room that Donut slept on was completely clean, while the side of the room that Grif slept on was very filthy.

Donut then got out of bed and headed for the bathroom that he and Grif shared.

Grif very slowly opened his eyes and then sat up in his bed. He wasn't quite sure what had woken him up until he turned and looked at the door to the bathroom and heard Donut singing Katy Perry's California Girls while in the shower.

Grif then got out of bed and proceeded down the hallway of the base to the kitchen.

In the kitchen Grif saw Sarge, Simmons, and Doc. Sarge was reading a newspaper and taking a couple of bites of toast, Doc was quietly eating his cereal, and Simmons was at the sink running out some dishes.

"Morning everyone, Doc" Grif said standing at the table.

Doc stared up at Grif and said "How come I'm not a part of everyone?"

"Well you see Doc; you are currently fucking my sister so I hate you. I'm sorry that's just how it is" Grif replied. "So what's for breakfast?"

"Well you can have cereal, cereal or cereal" Simmons replied. "You should've woken up earlier, there was a ton of bacon here" Simmons said continuing to wash out dishes.

"Are you telling me that there was actually bacon here for once, what happened to it all" Grif asked.

Sarge made a burping noise and then said "Does that answer your question dirtbag ha ha ha".

Doc then asked "Aren't you soldiers supposed to wake up at 06:00 am".

"06:00 am, you are mental man" Grif replied.

"He's not mental moron he's right, no one just wants to try and get you up in the morning" Sarge said.

"Yeah, in fact if we let you sleep all day we would actually be productive for once" Simmons added on.

Grif proceeded to get up and grab a box of cereal with a bowl, and replied to Simmons saying "You are the only one who would not only agree with Sarge's statement, but actually add more. Kiss Ass"

"Now now guys, there's no need to fight" Doc said.

"Shut up Doc, fighting is always a good thing" Sarge replied.

Just then Donut walked into the kitchen "See you guys later" donut said almost walking by before Sarge stopped him.

Sarge said "Whoa hold on a second, where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going to go have breakfast with Caboose" Donut replied.

Doc then stood up and said "Oh I'll come with you and go have breakfast with Amanda".

"Hold on there, you are not going to have breakfast with her. I cannot let you see her now she is always frisky in the morning… CRAP why did I say that" Grif said standing in Doc's way of the exit.

"Shut up Grif this is more important. Donut you can go see your boyfriend later" Sarge said.

Donut became very frustrated saying "Sarge I don't know if I told you this yet but I'M NOT GAY"!

Simmons sighed in frustration as he heard the four argue. "Huh, I bet the Blues don't have to deal with this" Simmons said.

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><p><strong>I will be updating every weekend. I don't quite know what day it will just be on the weekend. This story will just be some one shots.<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not Own Red vs Blue or Halo**

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><p>Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1<p>

Chapter 3: Blue Team

Wash woke up to a delicious smell. He sat up and sniffed it a little bit. He did not bother to wake up Tucker, who he shared a bed room with. He walked out of the room, after putting on his armors under suit and headed to the kitchen. As he entered the kitchen the smell got stronger when he finally recognized what it was.

Wash then was greeted by Caboose, who was sitting on the couch in the living room watching cartoons and eating cereal right out of the box. He greeted Wash saying "Hello Agent Washingtub".

"Caboose my name is Agent Washington not washingtub, and you can just call me Wash" Wash replied.

Tex, who was in the kitchen making eggs, said "Actually his name is David".

Church, who was sitting at the table reading an article online, looked over to Tex and said "Do you know his last name?"

"No" Tex replied.

Church then turned to Wash "Hey Wash, what's your last name?"

"I am not telling you" Wash replied.

"That's fine I'll just look online" Church said.

"Church I don't want to insult your intelligence, but that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard" Wash said.

Tex turned around to Wash not paying attention to the eggs, and said "It sounds like you do want to insult his intelligence, cause you know you're calling him stupid".

"There is absolutely no chance of you ever finding- he was cut off.

Church interrupted Wash saying "Yeah, its Lambert".

Wash was shocked. "What?"

Tex then came over to Church, again not paying attention to the eggs and has probably overcooked them, by now, said "Seriously?"

Church pointed at his computer, and replied "Yeah, look David Lambert".

"How the hell did you find that" Wash said with a pissed off face.

Church replied "I found your email, retard".

Wash face palmed himself and said "Aw, fuck me".

Caboose came over to a frustrated Wash and asked him "Do you wanna be called David or Lambert?"

Wash looked at Caboose. "I would rather be called Wash" he said.

"Okay, but that was not one of the choices so try again" Caboose said.

"No, and shut up" Wash replied

Just then Tucker walked in carrying Junior, and wearing only his teal colored boxers. "Morning everyone" Tucker said.

Church looked over to Tucker and said "Tucker, remember the last staff meeting when I told you that you needed to start wearing more articles of clothing in the morning".

As Tucker was putting Junior in his highchair he thought for a second "Hmm… no not really. Since everybody just argues and yells over each other at those things, I just kind of space out or fall asleep inside of my helmet. Tucker said, then walking over to Caboose.

"Right well could you please, and I think I'm speaking for everyone here go put on some cloths" Church said.

"I'll do it in a second" Tucker replied. Tucker then pulled out a fairly large syringe. "Hey, Caboose look over there".

"Huh" Caboose said. As Caboose was distracted by the wall, Tucker injected the syringe into Caboose's arm, and extracted a large amount of blood.

"Whoa, I feel dizzy" Caboose said, lying back on the couch.

Tucker walked into the kitchen saying "If I put on clothes I deprive all the fin ladies of my body". Tucker then grabbed a baby bottle and filled it with the blood from the syringe. He then gave it to Junior, who immediately started gulping it down.

"That is really disgusting man" Wash said.

Tucker turned to Wash and said "I think so to, but it's the only thing he'll eat unless… hey Tex wanna breast feed".

"Sorry, Sister might be dumb enough to fall for that but not me" Tex replied.

"Where the hell is she anyway?" Church asked.

"She's still sleeping" Tex replied.

"Oh, hey you've been cooking those eggs for a while now, are you sure you know how to cook?" Church asked.

"Of course, in fact they're done. Who wants eggs?" Tex asked.

Church, Wash, and Tucker all said at once "Me"

Caboose was sleeping and only snored.

Tex walked around the table giving everyone a plate with eggs on them, and a fork. Everyone then took a bite, then they once they got the taste they started chewing slowly then swallowed.

Church looked up at Tex and said "Tex, I know as you're boyfriend I shouldn't say stuff like this, but this is terrible".

"What are you talking about?" Tex asked.

"It is really bad, Tex" Wash replied.

"Yeah, it taste like burnt ass" Tucker said.

Tex then grabbed Church's fork and took some of his eggs. "Oh come on, It doesn't taste that- Tex then started to taste the eggs. "I am really sorry".

Wash shrugged saying "I bet the reds are having a better morning".

"Hey Junior, wanna give daddy some of that blood?" Tucker asked.

Junior only replied "Blarg".

"Okay" Tucker said.

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><p><strong>Note: Tucker has learned to speak Alien (even though Junior can't really speak alien because he is just a baby).<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**Chapter 4: Close Encounters of the Annoying Kind**

Donut finally was able to go to the Blue base, after a very heated argument with Sarge that lasted for over an Hour.

Donut walked with Doc who was planning on visiting Sister (whom he called by her real name, Amanda).

"I can't wait to see Amanda after how long I had talk to Grif, to convince him to let me go" Doc said.

Doc talked on and on about how much he loved Sister which was odd, because he could never seem to say it around her.

As Donut listened to Doc, he started to feel a bit lonely. People thought he was gay and was dating Caboose, but he was actually straight and was single. He loved spending time with Caboose, and often wondered what his sexuality was. Right now though, he was focused more on his own.

He hadn't given much thought about dating since he joined the military, but seeing Doc with Sister and Church with Tex again, He started to want that. He didn't think he would be worrying about this at his age (22), but now he secretly wanted a girl in his life.

Doc and Donut arrived at Blue base and knocked on the door. At first nobody answered. Then they heard a voice. "What's the password" the voice said.

"Caboose open up" Donut responded.

"What's the password" Caboose repeated.

"Uh password….. Oh man, I forgot" Donut said.

"Forgot what?" Caboose asked. Caboose stood on the others side of the door eating a bagel which for some odd reason, he decided to smear on top with a combination of flour and brown sugar.

"I forgot the password" Donut responded.

"No see that was almost right, see the password begins with I forgot but ends differently. Um try again" Caboose said.

"No, I mean I forgot the password" Donut said.

"No okay you see you got it wrong again, see you said the same thing as last time" Caboose said.

"… I'm being serious, I don't know the password" Donut responded.

"No see you changed the first part, you see that part was the right part, see now you got the whole thing wrong" Caboose said.

"No I forgot what the password is, and I just need you to open the door" Donut said, getting more furious with Caboose.

"Come on man, now you're just guessing" Caboose said.

"This might take a while" Doc said.

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><p><strong>I added the part about Caboose eating the bagel, because I thought you might want to know what he'd be eating after he woke up. The password bit was an easter egg from Halo 3, but originally it was between Church and Caboose. To find this easter egg, play the second mission of Halo 3 on Legendary. You can also find ones from Tucker and Doc on Normal and Easy, and ones from Simmons and Grif on Heroic. Thanks for reading.<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**Chapter 5: Interruption**

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><p>"I forgot to feed the cat" Donut Said.<p>

"Nope" Caboose replied from behind the locked door.

"I forgot to turn the stove off" Donut Said.

"No" Caboose replied.

"I forgot- before Donut could try to answer the password, Doc cut him off.

"Come on Caboose, we've been waiting outside for half an hour can you please let us in" Doc said.

"I will let you in if you can say the password" Caboose replied.

"Okay, I don't want to fly off the handle, but this is…dumb" Doc said.

"Whoa Doc, there's no need for that. Look I have an idea, it might be a little crazy but- Donut didn't finish his sentence, but instead turned from Doc to the door. hey Caboose what's the password?" Donut said.

Doc was shocked at Donuts attempt to get Caboose to tell him the password. Doc knew that Caboose wasn't the brightest crayon of the bunch, but he didn't think that he was that stupid.

"Oh, the password is I forgot to clean the floor" Caboose replied.

Donut (standing next to a flabbergasted Doc) said "I forgot to clean the floor".

"That's it" Caboose replied. Caboose then opened the door.

"Finally, Caboose you knew it was us why didn't you open the door?" Donut asked. Donut and Doc were wearing their pink and purple armor, but caboose was wearing a blue tang top that machined his armor and a pair of red and blue striped pajama pants.

"Church only gave me one job, and that was to guard the base and I didn't want to screw it up so I made a password" Caboose replied.

"And the password you went with was 'I forgot to clean the floor'?" Doc asked.

"All of Red Team's passwords are password" Donut said.

"Touché" Doc replied.

"Well, now that I'm here we can hang out" Donut said.

"Hey Caboose, were having a meeting" Church said from down the hallway.

Caboose, Donut, and Doc ran into the hallway to see Church, who was in his Cobalt armor.

"What?" Caboose asked Church.

"Command is sending us on a mission, and were having a meeting about it" Church replied.

"But I was about to hang out with Donut" Caboose said.

"Tough luck" Church replied.

"Can I come to the meeting?" Doc asked.

"Yeah, you're the medic you're coming on the mission" Church replied.

"Can I come too?" Donut asked.

"Sorry Donut, only Blues and Doc" Church replied.

"Man, I cannot catch a break" Donut said.

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><p><strong>This chapter was really short, but the next one will be longer. I will be updating maybe every other day, I don't know nothings set in stone.<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**Chapter 6: The Mission**

"This. Really. Sucks." Donut said as he sat in a chair outside of the Blues meeting room. The Blues were having a meeting about the new mission command had sent them, and unfortunately this meant Donut had to wait even longer now to hang out with Caboose.

Even though Church was the leader of this team, Wash was more experienced with missions like this so he was leading this meeting.

"Alright first I am going to do a role call" Wash said.

"Uh before that I have a question" Tucker said.

"What is it Tucker?" Wash asked

"Why are we doing role call?" Tucker asked.

"Tucker if you're going to ask stupid questions, I am just going to ignore you" Wash replied.

"But why do we need to do role call. It seems unnecessary when you know everyone and you can see them" Tucker said.

"He does have a point" Church added.

"Don't contribute to this, it'll just make it go on longer" Tex said to Church.

"Ok fine we won't do role call. Now this mission is called Operation: Snowbound" Wash said.

"I have another question" Tucker said.

"Tucker, it is called Operation: Snowbound because that is the name of the outpost, and I can and will mutilate you if you don't shut up. So unless you have any more moronic things to add to this degrading conversation I would like to continue" Wash said as he is now more frustrated than he has ever been in his life.

"Huh… No" Tucker replied.

"Oh my god can we get on with this, I'm so bored" Sister said.

"Yeah it must be so boring to be making out with your little boy toy over there" Tex said sarcastically.

"Hey I am nobody's boy toy, I am a man and I deserve some respect" Doc said.

"Shut up, Doc" Sister and Tex said almost synchronized.

"Ok" Doc replied as his little shred of confidence faded away.

"Pussy" Church said gestured towards Doc.

"You're one to talk" Tex said to Church.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Church asked.

"Please stop fighting"

Everyone turned towards Caboose, as they were all very confused at what he said.

"When my parents would fight they would yell and curse and my mom would pull out a knife and my dad would break a beer bottle and the police would come and I would go far away to a new family" Caboose said.

Everything was silent for a minute, and then Church spoke up "Ok Caboose I think I can speak for every one and say that we will stop fighting, so we don't enter a horrible scene from your childhood again".

"Ok, can I get back telling about the mission?" Wash asked.

"Yes" everyone else in the room said at the same time.

"Ok, now as I said the place we are going is called Snowbound" just as Wash said that, a picture of the outpost appeared on the screen of the big television in the room. "It is a remote operations base in the arctic region of this planet" Wash said.

"Oh I better bring my coat" Caboose said.

"Caboose, this is the arctic region it is the single most cold place on this planet" Church said.

"Yeah… I'll bring two coats" Caboose replied.

"Wash you said it was an operations base, what exactly are the operations that go on there?" Tex asked.

"The outpost was seized from the covenant during the war. It is a defense facility against any local rebels within the area" Wash replied.

"Why are we being sent though?" Tucker asked

"Command lost contact with this outpost a couple of days ago; we are being sent to find out what happened" Wash said.

"Aren't ODSTs usually sent on missions like this?" Tex asked.

"Yes, but command only thinks that they probably just lost the signal" Wash replied.

"So you're saying that we are going to Very cold place probably just to find out that we came for no reason?" Tucker asked.

"Yes" Wash replied.

"…Okay" Tucker said

"Yeah" Church said.

"I just have one question, why am I coming along?" Doc asked. Wash stared at Doc like he was fucking Frankenstein's monster. He mumbled some words trying to think of a response when it hit him.

"You're coming in case anyone gets hypothermia" Wash replied.

"Hmm… not really good with hypothermia, much better with frostbite" Doc said.

"Why are you better with frostbite?" Church asked.

"Because I am better at cutting off body parts the treating diseases" Doc replied.

"Remind me again why you're our medic" Church asked.

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while I spent a lot of time with my family, anyway hope you enjoyed this chapter.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**Chapter 7: Babysitting**

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><p>"Ok now here's a jar of blood, it should last at least a week" Tucker said handing the jar to Donut behind Blue Base. Donut had agreed to babysit Junior while Tucker is away on the Blues mission to Snowbound.<p>

"You took all of this out of Caboose at once! Is he alright?" Donut asked.

"Yeah he's fine just passed out, it happens all the time" Tucker replied.

"Are you sure, he seems pretty lifeless over there" Donut said looking over as he looked over at Church and Doc carrying Caboose into the D77H-TCI Pelican that command gave them.

"Oh my god how can someone this stupid be so heavy?" Church asked.

"I think I just gave birth to my diaphragm" Doc said.

"Yeah he's fine, now here you go" Tucker said as he handed Junior to Donut.

"Alright, so why did you ask me to babysit?" Donut asked.

"You're right I should've asked Sarge, have him fill Junior's mind with Red Team propaganda" Tucker replied.

"Good point" Donut said. Just then Church walked up.

"Hey Tucker, thanks for helping us with carry Caboose" Church said.

"I was busy. Why didn't you ask Tex for help, she's the muscle of this team?" Tucker asked.

"She's busy configuring Sheila into the ship with Wash" Church replied.

"Ooooooh" Tucker said.

"What?" Church asked.

"You better watch out, Wash might try to steal your girlfriend" Tucker replied.

"He's got a point. They were both freelancers" Donut said.

"Ok, I see what you guys are trying to do. You know that when we were dating before that she cheated on me a lot and you're trying to freak me out. Well it's not going to work. I am not worried" Church said.

Tucker and Donut just stared at Church for about five seconds.

"I'm just going to see if everything is going okay because I'm the leader, and that's my job" Church said and then ran into the ship.

"That was fun" Donut said.

"Yeah we do that a lot here. Oh and here is Junior's favorite toy" Tucker said as he handed Donut the toy.

"Is this a toy of Grif?" Donut asked as he held the armored plushy with a bite mark on the head in his hand.

"Yeah, at the store they only had it in orange"

"Okay I guess I should get going then. Bye" Donut said.

"Okay, bye. Bye Junior" Tucker said.

"Honk" Junior said.

Sarge, Simmons, and Grif were sitting on a couch in the living room of the Red base watching TV. Grif was holding the remote and flipping through channels.

"Grif give me the goddamn remote if you're just going to change it every five seconds" Sarge said

"There's nothing on" Grif said.

"What about that? That was good" Simmons said.

"Dude, fuck the new Dr. Who show" Grif said.

"Shut the hell up, that shows awesome" Simmons said.

While they were arguing, Donut walked into the room. He sat down on the other couch and set down Junior, the jar of blood, and the Grif doll.

"Hey, guys" Donut said.

After Donut sat down, the rest of the team looked over and was shocked.

"What the hell is that?" Simmons asked looking at Junior.

"What the hell is that?" Sarge asked looking at the jar of blood.

"What the hell is that?" Grif asked looking at the doll of him.

"…Which thing are you guys looking at" Donut asked.

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><p><strong>I actually like Dr. Who.<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**Chapter 8: Convincing the Council**

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><p>"Donut, agreeing to babysit that…thing is by far the dumbest thing any of us have ever done. This is counting everything Grif has ever done" Sarge said to Donut, as Simmons, Grif, and him crowded around Donut with angry expressions on their faces.<p>

"What dumb things have I ever done?" Grif asked, but before Sarge could answer he interrupted "Never mind, I don't want to know".

"I don't understand the problem" Donut said.

"The problem is there is half breed of an alien and a human from the other team no less, sitting on the floor drawing a picture" Simmons said.

"Yeah, and what the hell is with that doll it has?" Grif asked.

"Yeah, it's not nearly fat enough to be Grif. Also, are there life size versions of these things, or maybe a punching bag version?" Sarge asked.

"I don't know, Tucker said they only had them in orange" Donut said.

"Who only had them in orange, who would make them?" Grif asked.

"Someone with an accurate portrayal of soldiers" Simmons said.

"Well Junior is staying with me for a couple of days while the Blues are on a mission" Donut said.

"Correction, he'll be staying with us for a few days" Simmons said.

"Yeah Donut, You also dragged us into your bullshit" Grif said.

"Just take that thing back to where you found it" Simmons said.

"What, I can't just return him" Donut said.

"Why not, while you're at it you can return Grif" Sarge said.

"You can't return me, I didn't come from there" Grif said.

"He's right, sir" Simmons said.

"Thank you" Grif said.

"We'd have to sell him to the Blues, buy him, and then take him back" Simmons said.

"Hugh, I give up" Grif said.

"Look guys it's only a couple of days, and look how cute he is" Donut said. Sarge, Simmons, and Grif looked behind them to see Junior gnawing on the coffee table.

"Okay Donut he can stay, but only if the only blood he drinks comes from Grif" Sarge said.

"Deal" Donut said.

"Wait, who's blood" Grif said. Just then Sarge had hit him over the head with is one of many shotguns, 13 to be exact.

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><p><strong>I know this was an incredibly short chapter, but next week I have a surprise for my readers…if I have any readers…so far the only one I actually know is illy213. You can find illy213's page in the reviews, check it out illy213's got some good stories.<strong>


	9. PSA 1

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**PSA: Holiday Season**

"Hi I'm Church from the popular web series Blue vs Red wait that doesn't sound right, who wrote this script?" Church asked.

"I did" Caboose answered.

"Caboose for the last time its Red vs Blue" Church said.

"Yeah, the Red comes first especially during this holiday season Bluetard" Sarge said.

"Sarge is right, it's the Christmas season and- before Church could finish he was cut off by Donut.

"Hold on Church you can't just say that it's the Christmas season, there are more holidays going on this time of the year" Donut said.

"Oh my god, here we go" Church said.

"There are many holidays going now Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, and Ramadan" Donut said.

"Ramadan, you mean there's a holiday that celebrates pasta?" Tucker asked.

"Tucker, you're thinking of Ramen, and it's not pasta it's noodles" Church said.

"Well Donut's right, I celebrate Kwanza so you're not including me" Tucker said.

"You didn't even know what Kwanza was until yesterday, your just celebrating it to get more vacation days" Church said.

"I'm still celebrating it" Tucker said.

"Guys can we hurry this along, the camera is almost out of battery" Simmons said.

"Fine I'll just say this, from all of us at Red vs Blue Happy Holi- the camera ran out of battery.

**This was not the surprise that I talked about, the surprise I will show tomorrow. Yes that is how little I actually care about the holiday season.**


	10. Chapter 9

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**Chapter 9: Takeoff**

Tex and Wash were standing inside of the Pelican. They were standing next to a computer on the control panel in front of the ship. They were waiting for Sheila to boot up onto the ship. The transition was almost complete.

"Alright she's almost done" Wash said. A green line appeared on the screen, and just as it appeared it started zigzagging as a voice spoke. "Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank" the voice said.

"Hey Sheila, how come you say that every time we load you into something new" Tex asked.

"I am programmed to say it every time I start up, I really pisses me off" Sheila responded.

"Yeah, it gets annoying after a while" Wash said.

"Yep, and after you've been saying it for six years sometimes you just feel like completely rewriting your programing until you can't even remember how to say any words at all" Sheila said.

"Wow, okay calm down Sheila" Tex said. Sheila began to breathe in and out, or just make the noises because she doesn't have lungs. "Now all we need to do is- Tex stopped as she saw Wash, and saw that he was watching Church running into the ship.

Church ran straight into the ship and right up to Tex and Wash. He stopped and started panting and holding his knees. "Hey…Guys…What's…Happening" Church said stopping in-between every word to breathe.

"What the Hell are you doing?" Tex asked.

"Oh… I just thought… I would come see… how things are going" Church responded.

"Did you run all the way here?" Wash asked.

"Huh… Oh, yeah" Church responded.

"From where, halfway across the canyon?" Tex asked.

"No… Just about 20 yards" Church responded.

"Wow, Church you are really out of shape" Wash said.

"Fuck you… is Sheila booted up?" Church asked.

"Yeah" Tex responded.

"Good…How are you feeling Sheila?" Church asked.

"Fine Captain Church, but you look like you're about to pass out" Sheila said.

"What…That's ridiculous…I feel- before Church finished he fell to the floor and passed out.

"God damn it Church. Wash I'm going to go get Doc, you get everyone else" Tex said and started walking out of the ship.

"Good idea, Church looks like he could use some medical attention" Wash said.

Tex stopped and to turned around to respond. "Oh I'm not getting Doc for medical attention; I'm going to see if he will give Church a lobotomy" Tex said.

"Why?" Wash asked.

"Because, if he is going to be this dumb I guess he doesn't need to know that what he's doing is dumb" Tex responded and then walked out.

Tucker wandered the halls of the base until he reached the door of Caboose's room. He knocked on the door and said "Come on Caboose it's almost time to go".

Caboose opened the door and walked out in his blue armor with the Mark V helmet. "Okay I'm ready to go; can you help me with my things?" Caboose asked.

Tucker walked into the room. "Okay, what do you need, Oh my god!" Tucker changed what he was about to say mid-sentence as he saw that Caboose had packed 20 suitcases.

"What the hell is all this?" Tucker asked.

"This is what I'm bringing" Caboose responded.

"Caboose you have more things here than Sister, and she has five bags just for makeup" Tucker said.

"It's not that many suitcases" Caboose said.

"You're only saying that because you don't know how to count" Tucker said.

"I can count, one…two…three…four- before Caboose could finish he was cut off by Tucker. "Okay fine you can count, but what is in all of these bags?" Tucker asked.

"Toys, clothes, and a tooth brush" Caboose responded.

"But no tooth paste?" Tucker asked.

"What's tooth paste?" Caboose asked.

"UUUGH!" Tucker said frustratingly.

"Come on guys, grab your things it's time to go" Tex said as she stood in the doorway of Caboose's room.

"Tex we have a problem, Caboose packed too many things" Tucker said.

"Well Church is passed out and I just walked in on Sister and Doc having sex, so I'm going to let you handle this" Tex said as she walked away.

"Wait Tex come back…ugh, come on Caboose let's get rid of some of this stuff" Tucker said.

Church very slowly opened his eyes. He was in a bit of a daze. "Ugh…What the…Where am I?" Church asked.

"You're strapped into the ship retard" Tex said. Everyone was sitting in the ship on seat lined along the walls. Tex was sitting next to Church.

"What happened?" Church asked.

"You ran into the ship and passed out" Wash said sitting across from Tex.

"Oh, so did you put my things on board?" Church asked.

"No, I was pissed off at you so I thought leaving your stuff behind would be a great punishment" Tex responded.

"What!" Church asked.

"Sheila prepare for takeoff" Tex said.

"Affirmative" Sheila said.

"No, no god damn it".


	11. Chapter 10

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**Chapter 10: Kidnapped**

"Oh come on, where are you?" Donut asked. He had been looking around for Junior for about 5 minutes. This had been the third time Donut had lost track of Junior that day.

"How far could he have gotten, he has tiny legs" Donut said. Donut was looking all over the base. He looked all in his room, through the kitchen and living room; he had even looked in the toilet. There was no sign of Junior.

"Get the hell out of here you disgusting thing!" No sign until now.

"Oh crap, that was Simmons" Donut said and then ran down the hall to Simmons's room.

"What's happening? Where is he?" Donut asked as he looked at Simmons in panic. Donut looked around the room to see that it was a mess.

"Your pet is down there" Simmons said pointing underneath his bed.

"Alright, I'm going in" Donut said and jumped down and stuck his arm under the bed. For a moment the room was completely silent.

"Do you see it?" Simmons asked.

"No, and I can't hear it. That's weird" Donut just then felt something bite his arm. "AAAGH!" Donut screamed as he pulled his arm out from under the bed to reveal Junior digging his teeth into Donut's arm.

"OH MY GOD!" Simmons screamed.

"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" Donut screamed. Simmons quickly pulled Junior off, through him against the wall, then pulled his Magnum out from his waist holder and shot Junior 4 times.

"What. Did. You. Just. Do." Donut asked with his eyes widened to full extent.

"I don't know. I just…Oh my god, what have I done?" Simmons said.

"You just killed Tucker's kid. Simmons, he has a sword he's going to kill you" Donut said.

"Me, you're the one who wasn't watching him" Simmons said.

"Oh, you're right. He's going to kill us both" Donut said. Simmons looked in the direction of the dead Junior as foam started to form on its mouth and he started to make a weird noise. "BLLEEELLE" it said and then all of its skin melted off to reveal that it was a robot.

"It was a robot…wait, does that mean that all aliens are robots and do they have robot sperm?" Donut asked.

"Donut that's clearly not Junior, it's something else" Simmons replied.

"What's all the commotion?" Sarge asked as he walked into the room. As he saw the robot Junior on the floor he gasped. "What happened to my little monster?" Sarge asked.

"Simmons did it" Donut said.

"You traitor" Simmons said.

"Well, you just made it look like so much fun" Donut said.

"Sir, that thing's yours?" Simmons asked.

"Yeah, and you ruined it" Sarge said.

"Well. What is it?" Donut asked.

"I created a robot designed to look like Junior, but I made it more vicious so it could kill the Blues. That one was just the prototype" Sarge replied.

"Wow, for a second I thought Tucker was going to cut off my head" Donut said.

"Well, you still can't find the real Junior so he still might" Simmons said.

"Crap, we have to find him" Donut said.

"Yeah, I need to make more copies" Sarge said.

Grif walked into the room. "Hey, if anyone is interested-

Before Grif could finish he was cut off by Sarge. "No none is interested in what you have to say" Sarge said.

"I found a ransom note for Junior" Grif said.

"What does it say?" Simmons asked.

"It says 'Dear Red team, we have taken your pet. If you ever want to see it again you will bring $10000 to these coordinates. If you don't get here in 4 days we will kill it' and its signed A.M. and A.W." Grif said.

"Why would they sign a ransom note?" Simmons asked.

"What are we going to do guys?" Donut asked.

"I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to get that little snotball back" Sarge said.

**Sorry for not updating in a while. I have been really busy with school work.**


	12. Chapter 11

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**Chapter 11: Snowbound**

The plane had landed in an icy and snowy place where the ground was completely flat. Their coordinates told them that they were about a 10 minute walk from the base. They unloaded any gear they would need to bring with them, and left the rest in the ship with Sheila.

"Why the hell did we land way the fuck out here, and not at this base we are supposed to be at?" Tucker asked.

"Dumbass, we can't land a ship right outside of the base, it would cause suspicion to anyone that's there" Church replied.

"You mean if anyone is still there" Caboose said.

"Right" Church said.

"Okay every one we will be walking to the base very carefully because we do not know what's out here" Tex said.

"Everybody stick close. You should all have searching gear that includes a flashlight, a blueprint of the base, and a knife" Wash said.

"What is the knife for?" Tucker asked.

"It's for killing yourself" Wash replied sarcastically.

"Oh, okay" Caboose said as he pulled out his knife, pulled up his sleeve, and tried to slit his wrist.

"Oh my god, give me that you moron!" Church said as he grabbed the knife from Caboose.

"Okay let's get moving" Tex said.

They walked for about 10 minutes, and then they stopped once they saw the base.

"Finally we're there, now can we get inside I'm freezing my nuts off?" Tucker asked.

"Hold on a second, what are those things around the bases?" Wash asked looking at the purple things surrounding the two bases.

"I don't know, they could be dangerous" Tex replied.

Church seeking a way to impress Tex said "I'll go check them out". Church started walking, but wash noticed that through the ice in the ground he could see something blinking.

As Church walked over the blinking thing he noticed, Wash ran out and grabbed him saying "Church look out!" As Wash pulled Church out of the way, the blinking thing exploded.

"What the hell!" Tex said. After the explosion, the purple things started targeting them and firing.

"OH SHIT!" Tucker yelled, ducking for cover behind a snow hill.

"FUCK, THEIR TURRETS" Church yelled.

"AHHHH" Caboose yelled.

Everyone ducked behind the snow hill with Tucker.

"What the hell are we going to do?" Church asked, but no one had an answer.

"Hey, where are Sister and Doc?" Tex asked.


	13. PSA 2

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**PSA: RTX**

* * *

><p>"HI, I'm Corporal Richard Simmons from the popular web series Red vs Blue" Simmons said.<p>

"And I'm Chris Redfield from the same show" Grif said.

"Just use your real name" Simmons said.

"That is my real name" Grif said.

"No, it's not!" Simmons said.

"Look, I had to sell my name to charity to pay off my gambling depts" Grif said.

"What?" Simmons asked.

"So, after that I decided to by the name Chris Redfield" Grif said.

"You can't buy a fictional character's name" Simmons said.

"Well, Donut bought the name Sherlock Holmes" Grif said.

"Is that why yesterday I caught him shooting at the wall?" Simmons asked.

"Yep" Grif said.

"Well anyways, we are here to introduce RTX" Simmons said.

"RTX is the Rooster Teeth Expo" Grif said.

"That's right Chris, RTX is a convention held every year in Austin, Texas" Simmons said.

"And you might be wondering why it's held in Texas" Grif said.

"Nobody's wondering that" Simmons said.

"It's because the people holding the event are too cheap to have it anywhere cool" Grif said.

"Anyways! The convention is being held by Rooster Teeth Productions, a production company started in Austin, Texas" Simmons said.

"And you might be wondering why they're called Rooster Teeth Productions" Grif said.

"Oh my god, shut up" Simmons said.

"Well it's because either all the good names were taken, or the more likely they were too stupid to come up with anything smart" Grif said.

"You know we work for them, and they're paying us to make this video" Simmons said.

"I retract my statement" Grif said.

"This convention is a place where you can celebrate all of the wonderful things from the world of gaming and internet. You can buy tickets online, and come down July 7th-July 8th to RTX" Simmons said.

"This is in July?" Grif asked.

"Yeah, so what?" Simmons asked.

"It's fucking December" Grif said.

"It's February" Simmons said.

"My point still stands" Grif said.

* * *

><p><strong>You can but tickets at <strong>**.**** Tickets are on sale for $48.71 with a fee of $3.67 and a sales tax of 8.25%. It will be held at the Austin Convention Center on 500 E Cesar Chavez St. I urge any Rooster Teeth fans to come. I will not be attending because I will most likely be bust, but if I could go I definitely would.**


	14. Chapter 12

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**Chapter 12: Attack Strategies**

* * *

><p>Doc and Sister were making out in the ship, completely unaware that everyone else had left and were all in danger.<p>

* * *

><p>Church, Tex, Tucker, Caboose, and Wash were all crouched behind a snow hill. There were many lasers shooting at them.<p>

"We're pretty much fucked" Tucker said.

"You say that every time we're in situations like these" Church said.

"Yeah, that's because it's always true; we just have dumb luck" Tucker said.

"So I'm confused- Caboose was cut off by Tucker.

"There's a shocker" Tucker said.

"Are we going to die?" Caboose asked.

"Shut up you guys so I can come up with a plan" Tex said.

"I already have a plan" Church said.

"You do" Tex, Tucker, and Caboose all said at the same time.

"Yes, why is that so hard to believe?" Church asked.

"Dude, you never actually come up with a plan" Tucker said.

"Yeah, you always just wait till someone else bails us out of these situations" Tex said.

"Oh, well then I don't have a plan" Church said.

"Idiot" Tex said.

"Hey, where's washcloth?" Caboose asked.

"I think he means Wash" Tucker said.

"Hey, yeah where is he?" Church asked.

Wash had snuck away while they were arguing. They all stood up and saw Wash running around the laser tripods. He ran in a circle until the tripods couldn't keep up with him, ran up to the biggest one, and disabled it. Simultaneously, all the other tripods stopped.

"Hey Church, your plan worked" Tucker said.

"Bite me, Tucker!" Church said.

"Wow, Wash that was amazing" Tex said.

"Yeah, once I noticed that they were all moving with the largest one I just decide to make a move" Wash said.

"Great thinking" Tex said.

"Yeah, I totally would've done the same thing" Church said.

"Please, you can barely even run without having a heart attack" Tex said.

Sister and Doc walked up to the scene.

"Hey guys, what did we miss?" Doc asked.

"Everything!" Church said.

"Where the hell were you two?" Tex asked.

"We were…preoccupied" Doc said.

"Ah, someone remind me to hose off the ship when we get back" Church said.

* * *

><p><strong>Hey guys, sorry for not updating last week. A friend of mine was moving out of town, so I wanted to spend the weekend with him.<strong>


	15. Chapter 13

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**Chapter 13: Let's Hit the Road**

* * *

><p>Donut, Simmons, and Grif were strapping crates their Hornets. Unlike the Blues, they didn't get a pelican. Command couldn't afford to give two pelicans to the canyon, so instead they gave the Reds two hornets. The Hornets didn't have any place to store things, so the Reds had to strap their stuff to the Hornets with bungee cords.<p>

"This is going to be an awesome road trip. We can camp, make s'mores, and go fly fishing…whatever that is" Donut said.

"Donut we aren't going on vacation, we're going to go save an alien baby from anonymous people in space" Simmons said.

"How is that less ridiculous than what I said?" Donut asked.

"Because, what I said was for some reason more likely than what you said" Simmons said.

"Don't you think we should just give them the money?" Donut asked.

"Are you kidding? We aren't going to give in to terrorists" Simmons said.

"Actually they technically aren't terrorists, because they haven't terrorized anything" Donut said.

"Whatever, we can do this" Simmons said.

"But in the most likely chance that we can't do this, I got the $10,000" Grif said opening a duffel bag full of money.

"Where the hell did you get all of that?" Simmons asked.

"Can't tell you, but on an unrelated note both of your bank accounts no longer have money in them" Grif said.

"God damn it Grif we don't need the money, I know we can do this and Sarge is about to give a stirring speech that will inspire all of us" Simmons said.

Sarge walked out the back of the base. "Grif, did you get the money?" Sarge asked.

"Yeah" Grif said.

"WHAT!" Simmons said.

* * *

><p><strong>No new Financial Crisis. I will be updating that next week, with a PSA for Valhalla.<strong>


	16. PSA 3

**Red vs Blue: Valhalla Season 1**

**PSA: Halo 4**

* * *

><p>Sarge and Church were standing next to each other in the middle of Valhalla.<p>

"Hi I'm Sarge from the popular web-series Red vs Blue, and this is a dirty Blue" Sarge said.

"I can introduce myself" Church said.

"Fine" Sarge said.

"I'm Church" Church said.

"Thanks for wasting time, Church" Sarge said.

"Let's just get this over with" Church said.

"As you all know, our web-series takes place in the online multiplayer game, Halo" Sarge said.

"We were also the first ever people to make videos based on the game" Church said.

"Actually, we got the idea from watching another video" Sarge said.

"Details are not important right now; 343 Industries a few months back announced a new Halo game, Halo 4" Church said.

"343 Industries asked us to make a few videos for them, set in Halo 4, announcing that the game will be released on November 6th, 2012" Sarge said.

"But these videos only told the release date, they didn't tell much of anything else" Church said.

"That's why we decided to make this video, to tell you how much we know about Halo 4 so far" Sarge said.

"As you may know, at the end of Halo 3 Master Chief was stuck drifting through space on a UNSC frigate" Church said.

"This was after he and The Arbiter activated the Halo ring to wipe out The Flood, and The Arbiter makes it through the slipspace portal back to Earth on half of the frigate" Sarge said.

"Halo 4 will take place 4 years after Halo 3, depicting Master Chief once again as the main protagonist" Church said.

"Lucky jerk" Sarge said.

"Anyway, little is known about the campaign, but as you could tell by the videos we made there will be an upgrade to the armor"

"As well as new maps, weapon's designs, vehicle designs, and armor abilities" Sarge said.

"That's all we know, hope you enjoyed the video. Sarge you can't call Master Chief a jerk, 343 is watching" Church said.

"I have been in this game for over 10 years; I don't get any recognition, why should…

Sarge has been banned.


End file.
